Insomnia

I am awake. It is nearly 1:30 AM as I write this and I am in bed, too hot under the covers, too cold with any One layer removed. I am hungry and tired and for the second night in a row I have what feels to be the headache of a hangover despite my lack of boozing. This wakefulness is troubling but not surprising. Tomorrow my youngest sister graduates from high school, so what the fuck does that mean for my life? It seems that in the year and a half that I have been out of school that I have slowly lost all momentum and am finally coming to a full stop. My perpetual position shifting at work neither helps me forward at work or in any other aspect of life. I'm feeling old. The harder I fight the deeper I feel it. I have lost my small handful of friends to stagnation and the lack of an outside driving force has me about over the edge. I still try to have adventures, but more often than not my second ticket goes to complete waste. I'm independent, sure, but it's nice to not be the awkward weirdo standing around by herself at a tiny concert. Being lonely in a crowd is one of those feelings I'm sure everyone feels at some point but I imagine that its the tipping point for crazies and psychopaths (if I end up in a loony bin or incarcerated you're welcome to point back to that thought). I am very far from the Norman Bates-y terror that just crossed your mind but if I ever go there just remind people how long I spent sleeping in a child-sized bed on risers. They'll understand, especially once they find out how many times it just collapsed. I shouldn't be allowed to be up this late. I can only think of how much I'm pissed about family vacation. How much I hate people who have forgotten how to have fun without being wasted. How insane it is that when VI slows my eyes it feels like the world is rocking. How bad my head hurts. I just want chocolate chip cookies. The stats say that 52% of us live at home. It's not comforting. No matter what you say a door somewhere has shut for us and moments like this when my mind is off on a dark that I am honestly pissed. Pissed. It's an ugly feeling, I'd kill for happiness, I'd settle with contentment.